Containment

I had many opportunities over the holidays to hang out in public places and peoplewatch. People are so watchable. So unique and so alike, and there are so many different habits/cultures/beliefs/behaviors to observe.

Containment became a theme in my observations. Some people can contain themselves and some can't. Some aren't aware that containing themselves is an option, while others aren't aware that it's optional. This is one of those areas where our family culture is usually the guiding (or controlling) influence.

For clarity, when I say containment, I'm speaking of the ability to separate what's going on inside you from what you express outwardly. Harmony between these two things is often called authenticity and seen as good/healthy/virtuous, but there's a 3rd element -- the issue of appropriateness -- that needs to be factored in. If it's not appropriate (or helpful) to be authentic in a given context, then it isn't healthy, either.

I imagine my mind as a theater. There are thoughts/feelings/beliefs/assertions/etc. that are appropriate for the main stage, and there are those that belong behind the scenes -- not so much for secrecy but out of respect for my audience. The drama queen part of me exists, and while I try to love and accept her and endure her tantrums with grace, I do my very best to keep her off stage so as to not inflict her on those around me.

This kind of containment used to feel wrong to me. It used to feel like I was having to hide something about myself so that others would like me, which felt wrong and at which I rebelled, laying out all my flaws for all to see. The "I dare you to reject me" approach.

Thankfully, I've had teachers and therapists who have shown me that containing myself is not the same thing as abandoning or dishonoring myself. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm so much more than my inner drama queen or myriad flaws, so presenting those too much isn't fair to the rest of me. Balance is indicated, and balance requires containment.

Family cultures usually dictate our personal containment standard. Some families don't teach it; their members walk around saying everything that's in their mind and expecting everyone else to accommodate them. Other families overteach it; their members walk around never saying what's on their mind and accommodating everyone else, even when it's unfair to them.

Most of us are somewhere in between, and many of us (thanks to proper socialization) are able to contain ourselves around strangers & acquaintances but less able around friends & family.

Standing in line at a retailer on Christmas Eve is a fascinating study in containment. You can see the varying degrees of containment pretty clearly.

If the wait is longer than someone thinks it ought to be, and she comes from a family that doesn't contain, well, you've seen her: head tilted in disdain, sighing every 30 seconds, looking around & trying to make eye contact with someone else who's irritated, maybe creeping into the space bubble of the person in front of her, saying things under her breath and then, if emboldened by agreement, saying things louder.

I've been her, plenty of times. And it's easy to spot from the outside. It's easy for me to watch and think, "Please, you're a grown up, contain yourself." It's easy to see that her anxiety is optional. It's easy to see that relaxing and waiting patiently takes less energy than huffing & puffing.

It's easy for me to analyze her behavior and feel she's doing something wrong. But she isn't. She's coping the best way she knows how. It's not pleasant for her, or for the others around her, but it isn't wrong. Nobody's personal standard of containment is right, although in these situations, I often wish mine were.

And that just makes me normal. I get to have preferences. As long as I can contain them.