Insanity Is Repeating Stupid Sayings

Here’s something you may have heard. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.”

What a crock.

It’s been falsely attributed to Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin and Mark Twain, and I'd bet money they're all spinning in their graves. Because this saying is so untrue, so plainly absurd, I can hardly find words adequate to the task of saying so. If you could see me right now, you'd see a soundless, frustrated grimace of inarticulateness.

But don't worry, I'm recovering rapidly.

As usual, people's hearts are in the right place when they utter this advice, and I think they're trying to make a fair point - that is, stop doing things that don’t work for you. Do things that do work for you. These are concepts I can get behind.

Unfortunately, for many, many people, the concept of “what works” is all tangled up with right and wrong. When something doesn’t work, it’s wrong. And you’re wrong for doing it. You’re so wrong, in fact, you’re insane! And they get to be right by pointing it out to you.

But they aren't right, and neither is this stupid saying. (Yes, I'm 8, and it's stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid! See? Articulation recovering rapidly.)

First of all, it’s just flat-out inaccurate. We are learning beings, and learning involves repetition. It’s how we’re wired, and it’s how we work stuff out. We explore by experimenting, over and over. Sometimes we adjust a little, but not always.

Second, most of us were raised by humans, and as humans raised by humans, we learned that human moods vary, and asking for a new bicycle one day does not yield the same result as asking for a new bicycle on another day. Don’t get me started on cookies.

Third, one of the most powerful psychological conditioning phenomena is intermittent reinforcement, which you know well if you’ve ever pulled a slot machine handle. The reason it works is because doing the same thing over and over again sometimes produces a different result. How cool is that!

Fourth, it flies in the face of the age-old lesson of persistence. How many publishers rejected Harry Potter? How many batches of fried chicken did Colonel Sanders have to make for potential investors? And how many producers did Stallone approach with Rocky?

Finally, not only is it very clearly not true, but it twists the truth in a particularly dark way. It’s mean-spirited. “Doing something over and over again and expecting different results” could just as easily be called the definition of hope. To call it insanity, especially to a person who is looking to you for guidance (listen up, 12-step sponsors), is cruel and crazymaking.

If you say it because you relate to it, I encourage you to get treatment for your control addiction and self-loathing, but in the meantime, stop saying it. I can’t emphasize this enough. Please stop.

If you ever find yourself in an advice-receiving position and someone says this to you, well... ask them how many times they’ve repeated the line, and what result they’re looking for, and whether they've ever gotten it.

Snarky, I know. But sometimes, maybe, snarky is appropriate.

The Pitfalls of Leadership, For Normal People

Leadership is a strange territory that really does a number on people.

Generally, our culture values leadership but produces very little of any measurable quality. That’s not to say there isn’t any – on a national scale, we’re currently pretty blessed. But how many good leaders do you encounter in your daily life? And how many annoying, posturing, wannabe leaders do you encounter in your daily life?

Most of us are socialized that we’re supposed to want to become leaders, but few of us actually do. Some pursue it dutifully, because they’re “supposed to,” and they rise to some position of incompetence in their particular kingdom (a.k.a. The Peter Principle) and then proceed to drive the kingdom crazy. Others avoid leadership, constantly making slight adjustments to their course, tiny acts of subterfuge and sabotage, in order to escape the possibility, while still appearing to pursue it.

If this doesn’t apply to you, if you were raised with a core of self-confidence and a deep and balanced respect for everyone’s interests, and if you feel the fear & uncertainty but step forward anyway, willing to serve, congratulations. You’re not normal.

For the rest of us, the idea of wearing the crown is mildly panic inducing. But chances are, sooner or later, you’ll have to play the role. And this is a good thing – it can be very maturing and self-esteem enhancing, as long as you can avoid certain pitfalls.

Some of those pitfalls are subtle, subconscious beliefs that we normal people tend to suddenly develop when thrust onto the leadership plank. We don’t mean to – they just show up! They don’t make any sense and they’re painfully embarrassing, but what are you gonna do? There’s no vaccine.

Awareness can help, though, so here are a few to remember on a daily basis.

(Seriously, please don’t use this list to beat yourself up – that’s not the point. Have compassion for yourself – and your bosses – as you recognize yourself and them here.)

1. Your time is not more valuable than everyone else’s. It may really, genuinely feel like it is, but it’s not, no matter what the salary differential. Acting like it is may feel appropriate, in this role, but it’s not. Your dad’s/mom’s/mentor’s time was not more valuable than yours. Seriously. Game up.

2. You are supposed to make mistakes. Real leaders make mistakes, admit them and recover from them. It’s impossible not to be somewhat afraid of a mistake, but don’t let that fear take you over. Annoying, posturing wannabes won’t allow for the possibility, or pretend they don’t make mistakes, or cover them up/blame others/make excuses, or deny. Go on, make mistakes. It’s not optional.

3. Denial is deadly. Open your eyes and be willing to see what’s really in front of you. Negligence is looking but not seeing, and it’s easy to do. It helps to have a clean mirror – a consigliore who’s willing to tell you when you’re off-base. Listen to him/her.

4. Trust yourself. Take in all the input, listen to your people, sort through it, ruminate a bit, and then go with what you feel is best, and stand by it. Stand by it, humbly, as the best decision you could make at the time, even if you end up changing course later. You can’t please everyone, so trust what your unique combination of experience, intuition and skill tells you. It’s why you’re in this position.

5. Insecurity is not the same as humility. You may feel like coming slightly unglued shows your people that you’re human and gives them the opportunity to be valuable. It doesn’t. It shows them you’re not leadership material and it burdens them rather than leading them. Having humility means staying centered as you also practice 1-4. President Obama’s motto during the campaign was, “No drama.” That’s a good one!

It too often happens that we’re given a leadership opportunity and end up scarred. The learning curve was too steep and the results were too disappointing and we give up, feeling like a failure, feeling like there’s something wrong with us because we couldn’t seem to step up and pull it off.

If this sounds familiar, there’s nothing wrong with you. Watch the pitfalls and try, try again. Your leadership, based on your unique combination of experience, intuition and skill, is needed. Be a good monarch, now, and don’t keep your kingdom waiting.

Inner Critics Are the Modern Predators

According to the experts, our brains haven’t evolved much since we lived in caves and ran from predators, so fight-or-flight is still a key feature of our earthly existence.

However, we’re no longer being chased by predators, so fight-or-flight kicks in for much more mundane threats: angry bosses, low checkbook balances, a police car behind you on the highway… these are not life-and-death issues, but they sure feel like it.

And when we feel it, fear takes charge. As properly socialized human beings, we have a programmed sense of right & wrong behavior, and we’ve now got it cross-wired that “right” equals “safe,” and “wrong” equals “danger.” So our inner critics pipe up anytime there’s a chance our behavior will be seen as “wrong.” (If you don’t have inner critics dogging you most days, good for you. You’ve either healed your psychological issues or you were raised without healthy shame and can probably barely function in society. Either way, you’re not normal.)

The dramatic irony of all this is that, because our mundane threats are truly mundane, we’re now more afraid of our own inner critics than external circumstances. It isn’t the angry boss that gets us, it’s how we handle it – how we treat ourselves after the boss gets angry.

Fight-or-flight kicks in and messes with our body chemistry, and the inner critic joins the party to pound our self-esteem. It feels lousy. It colors our day. It keeps us down, brother.

What does your inner critic say to keep you in line? “You shouldn’t have done that.” “Now everything’s going to fall apart.” “You’re an idiot.” “You’re really gonna get it now.” “What were you thinking?” “Everyone will know about you now, and they’ll want nothing to do with you.” “You should have known better.”

That’s my personal favorite. “You should have known better.” Says who? Known how? But we tend to believe this stuff, without question. So fear flows through us several times a week, or, in the case of anxious people, pretty much constantly.

Sound familiar? Congratulations, you were properly socialized. So the question becomes: how do we behave like considerate, civilized people without having to beat ourselves up all the time?

The answer is simple and juicy: Rebel. Question the inner critic. Say “says who” and “screw you” when your stomach starts wrenching with self-doubt. Reality check the situation: ask, “What’s the worst that could happen?” and no matter what the inner critic says (it usually goes something like this: “You’ll lose your job and your home and your people will stop loving you and you’ll be banished to a wasteland to die slowly, eating weeds and dead rats”), say “So what! No one can take away my birthday!”

In other words, stop beating yourself up. It's not helping! You don’t need to flog yourself to keep yourself in line. Keep yourself in line by doing your best, honestly. Do your best. That’s all that’s required. Do your best and don’t hurt anyone.

You'll probably need to recalibrate your sense of worthiness a bit higher. Giving yourself a break can feel weird, and you'll notice it makes you give others a break more, too. Go with it. Just breathe and expand, and let yourself adjust. When you've been holding your hand tight in a fist for a long time, it hurts to release it, but only for a little while.

A Chance to Be the Family Mechanic

Families are like secret societies. They each have their own language and code phrases and secret handshakes and such, all of which are second-nature to the members but strange, baffling and usually nonsensical to outsiders. And the codes and handshakes and such are often subconscious or semi-conscious. We don’t even know we’re doing them.

It doesn’t always matter. Mom says, “Don’t you want another helping of potatoes?” and you say, “Sure,” even though you’re stuffed to the gills and won’t touch them after she's gleefully plopped them on your plate. And the question of whether you like the potatoes and therefore mom as a person has been asked and answered and there’s no reason to pick it apart. Your new boy/girlfriend may be dismayed or confused by the potato waste, but confusion is their inheritance now that they’re joining your family, and they’ll deal.

In any family, there are ways to say things, and we know what they are. Things like “Good job” (i.e. “I guess you could have done worse”), “I admire your courage” (i.e. “Are you sure that’s the right move?”), and “I love you” (i.e. “How’s the car running?”). We’re fluent, and we interpret and respond in kind without even knowing we’re doing it.

There are things you don’t say, too. You don’t ask certain questions. “Why do we live here?” “Why doesn’t Dad have to go to church?” “Where’s the ranch with the big meadow and sunshine that Fido went to?” “Whatever happened to that guy, Jack, who Aunt Kathy used to live with?” You just don’t ask. It’s understood.

If this doesn’t apply to you, if your family speaks directly and says what they mean and never avoids awkward subjects, and everyone’s voice is heard and the rules are occasionally up for democratic review, congratulations! You’re not normal.

The rest of us talk in code. Again, it doesn’t always matter, but sometimes it does. One of those times is when your secret society has no Mechanism for Repair. Let me a‘splain.

Anger, disagreeing, fighting, upset… these are inevitable occurrences in most human relationships. They can be good for all involved. After an incident, however, there needs to be a way to reconnect, a way to acknowledge the disconnect, to express respect and say “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” that’s cleansing and genuine, even if it sounds like “Boy, that was a quite a thunderstorm (ahem) we had last night. Anyway, want some cereal?” This is a Mechanism for Repair: a way to reconnect relatively quickly with no lasting damage.

(Of course, talking about it openly and directly would be great, but that's just impossible in most family cultures. So fuggehdaboudit.)

When there’s no Mechanism for Repair, a less healthy coping strategy exists. See if this sounds familiar. In the aftermath of a conflict, there is a sense of danger in even acknowledging what happened, probably because it would just pick up right where it left off and continue to escalate. So, a prescribed amount of time passes during which there’s little to no substantive communication between the involved parties. (The amount of time is part of this particular secret society’s bylaws; it’s never spoken but everyone knows intuitively when the time has passed.) Then, a window opens and it becomes possible to pretend it never happened. And everyone does – pretend it never happened. Sweep it under the rug.

Over the years, that space under the rug gets pretty swampy. Also, where there’s disconnection without reconnection, the integrity of the relationships between family members is significantly weakened and the family as a whole is much less cohesive.

All this goes on without anyone noticing that something important is missing. How can you miss a Mechanism for Repair when you don’t even know what it is or why you need it?

But now you know! Go on – shake things up a bit. Next time there’s some tension in the family, call it out. Say, “I know things got tense when we were talking about XYZ last week. I’m sorry for my part in it.” You can even say, “Can we pretend it never happened?” Because unlike actually pretending it never happened, you just acknowledged it happened, and so the reconnection occurs. How cool is that!

You don’t even have to be involved. “I can tell you and so-and-so are having another one of your cold wars. Why don’t you tell him you’re sorry? What’s the big deal?”

This will either shift the family dynamic in a healthier direction or everyone’s head will explode. Either way, fun for you. Enjoy!