Love and Loyalty

Love and loyalty get mixed up a lot, and in this age of renaissance men and women becoming more self-aware and making more conscious choice for themselves, I think teasing them out can be very helpful.

Loyalty is a "faithful adherence" to something -- originally a sovereign, leader, government, cause or something like that. A faithful adherence... there's a little ring of sacredness in it. Faith is sureness that's a bit blind.

In the old days, before people articulated and chose their own values, they'd identify an authority figure (or one was identified for them) and trust them to choose the right values. They'd follow a leader. We don't really do that anymore. We're all too well-informed and we have press and pundits who help us decide what we agree and disagree with, so there's no real need to faithfully follow leaders anymore. Not like that.

But we still get, deep in our cells, that loyalty is a good quality, and we want to be seen that way. That's normal.

Sadly, the concept of loyalty has been co-opted by corporate HR departments and other less-than-sacred entities to leverage guilt on the average, normal person. That's a tough one.

Meanwhile (and here's where loyalty bites us in the butt), we grew up with parents and a family who have ideas and values of their own, and we learned well what they are. We didn't choose them, necessarily, but most of us adopted them automatically. It's how we were raised, it's part of who we are, and all that. We love our family, and so we are loyal.

In this context, in the family, is where loyalty and love get entwined. When they learn your values are straying from the family's, mothers and fathers have this ancient, primal way of giving you a look that says, "Don't you love us anymore?"

It's torment. Of course we love them, but love doesn't mean loyalty to their values. But holding onto that truth takes a helluva lot of strength when a parent doesn't understand.

Some families are better than others at allowing their members to think independently.

Some families want to be good at it, but when the moment arrives, they are lost. They don't know what to say. They know what not to say, and so they don't say anything, which is not supportive of independent thought, but it isn't quite as bad as direct manipulation and guilt. Most of the time.

And some families are still caught in the medieval belief that love equals loyalty, and the members either compromise their own integrity to belong or they tear themselves away.

No matter which family you're from, and no matter how well you've individuated, here are some values & ideas that love-for-family can turn into blind loyalties if we don't articulate and consider them. As you read, ask yourself: Do you relate to them? Are they alive inside you somewhere? Do you want them having influence over your thoughts & behaviors?

Money: How much is OK to have? What does it mean about you if you want more? Is there someone in the family who you're not supposed to out-earn? What does money symbolize in your family (love, power, success, evil, life unlived, future security, any or all of these)?

Health: What level of health & vitality is "normal"? What priorities "should" you set above your health & vitality (hard work, others' needs, pursuing comfort)? What do you expect your life span to be? What does it mean about you if you take better care of your body than others in the family?

Ambition: What expectations for your life (or lack thereof) are "normal"? Are you meant to thrive? Is risk OK? What happens if/when you fail? Is it CATASTOPHIC-DISASTROUS-DEVASTATING, or just a stepping stone? Are you allowed to be afraid of risk? Are you expected to be afraid of risk?

New Years isn't a particularly better or worse time to make "resolutions" (that is, set intentions for positive change), but hey, it's upon us, and if you'd like to set an intention to shift one or more of these, seize the season!

I'm taking next week off, so Happy 2010, everyone! May it be a good one for you and for the many lives you touch in large ways and small.