Insecurity vs. Self-Consciousness

One of the perils of being normal in our culture is insecurity. It's a neurosis so common as to be nearly universal. And, it's a crock. Most of the time, it's a distortion of reality. An illusion. A fiction we make up and then decide to get stressed about.

Insecurity is, in essence, feeling inadequate. Adequacy and inadequacy (at the personal level) are both very subjective, with extremely few cues actually grounded in reality, so they leave lots of room for interpretation and doubt.

For instance, people often feel insecure about their level of beauty or attractiveness.

First off, there is no standard. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, truly, seriously, and attractiveness is what any particular individual finds attractive, which covers a wide spectrum of blessed human uniqueness. There is no standard, no yardstick out there in the world we're expected to live up to.

But this makes us a little nuts. We're fond of our yardsticks, so we look to the world, to the people around us and to our glowing screens to try to extrapolate one. The yardstick we create is skewed, always, because it's a fallacy. Its existence is unnecessary and useless.

Nonetheless, there it is, and so we assess our level of beauty/attractiveness and hold it up to the imagined yardstick and we perceive that we fall short. We always fall short. Voila. Insecurity.

And then we make arbitrary meaning out of the whole process, like we'll never have what we want or can't possibly achieve our goals - some absurd conclusions that suggest we should pull back and stop living so fully or enthusiastically. Bah.

Here's the ultimate absurdity: you can't feel insecure about something you don't actually have. In this example, one of the last steps is: "we assess our level of beauty/attractiveness." We have a level! We have beauty/attractiveness. Feeling insecure about it is the absurd part.

You can't feel insecure about something you don't actually have.

If you feel insecure about your looks, you have looks.

If you feel insecure about your skills, you have skills.

If you feel insecure about your relationship/marriage, you obviously have one, and in this moment, you're doubting the reality of its existence. How crazy is that.

Insecurity is not grounded in reality.

What is grounded in reality is self-consciousness.

Self-consciousness is more rational, involving an assessment of what's real. Say you have a scar or other physical blemish. You don't feel insecure about it. You can't, because it's real, and insecurity is based on unreality.

Rather than insecure, you feel self-conscious about it.

From there, it's a choice between humility and shame.

Humility keeps us grounded without bringing us down, and it's the gateway to dignity. These are incredibly healthy and supportive qualities to cultivate within ourselves. Your scar may not be conducive to a career as a skin care model, but it's part of who you are and it gives you character and uniqueness. It doesn't mean much else, and when you can center yourself in the humility/dignity option, you get that.

Shame isn't so healthy; it's a deep-seated belief that we are unlovable, and that's just not true. This is the option where your scar means your life is limited and that you can't find or create success/joy/love/whatever.

Shame is not insecurity.

Insecurity is, in essence, feeling inadequate, partly due to laziness and immaturity. It's the avoidance of truth in favor of a fiction that's generally socially acceptable and that gets you off the hook for growing as a person and taking dominion over your life. You can just cut it out. I know there are reasons people don't - fear, mostly - but I recommend it highly. Life is better, post-insecurity. Really.

Shame, on the other hand, is real. A little shame is fine, and in fact is needed for humility, but beyond that, it really holds us back and makes life harder and less fun. Sometimes you can heal it by reality checking yourself, but it's more likely you need some support & guidance through the process. Friends, family and therapists are all good for it.

It's hard to ask for help, but if you choose carefully who you ask, and are willing to accept the help when it's given... in the end, it'll be well worth it. A great gift to yourself.