Shame & Control: A New Connection

I'm getting some intensive training in posttraumatic stress these days, and a speaker said something intriguing the other day.

He said that we humans are wired to feel shame when we lose control. We see it all the time in people who've experienced trauma; they feel ashamed and their minds scramble to find a sensical way to blame themselves, to make the shame make sense. We also see it in children - they get pretty upset and kind of implode when they feel out of control.

What I derive from that is that everytime we think we're supposed to be in control of something but something happens and we aren't, we feel some amount of shame. This applies in extreme situations, like trauma, and it also applies in unimportant situations, like traffic.

Shame is big. It's one of our darkest experiences, one of the most vulnerable, and one we will usually do serious contortions to avoid. Subconsciously, if it starts to creep in, some other emotion - like anger or frustration - will likely charge forth to correct the situation.

Feeling shame and dealing with it, by owning our responsibility and forgiving ourselves and learning from the experience, requires "ego strength," a clinical term for psychological soundness. Having ego strength means we can tolerate emotional pain. Having ego strength means we can go through tough stuff and not be undone by it.

Shame is tough. And, it's something we're wired to feel anytime we lose control.

So, I'm working on a new theory. Control is the master addiction - most of us are addicted to control to some extent. I'm wondering if one of the reasons we're addicted to control is because it's an antidote to shame. A non-contortionist way to avoid shame. Hmm...