I'm Not There

Clients frequently ask me what I would do or say in a certain situation. Speculation is one of the slippery slopes of therapy. It's fun. It feels productive. It's sometimes valuable as a teaching tool. But it really isn't very accurate.

In any given situation, there's a lot of information our brain is sifting through. There's the context -- the where, the who, the why. There are dynamics -- the expectations and agendas of each person or entity involved and how they collide. There's meta communication -- body language, tone of voice, social meanings we give to certain gestures or responses depending on the context. And all this is apart from what is actually said, which, in a speculative therapy session, is frequently misquoted.

So, while we can play with it, I try to clarify that we're making up stories, and I can't really say what I would do because... I'm not there.

A key to emotional and psychological health is self-trust. We can't anticipate all possible scenarios and prepare ourselves, rehearsing what we might say and how others might respond, though some of us try, keeping ourselves busy on long drives and in line at the store with such mental calisthenics. But here's the thing: you're not there. So any strategy worked out thus is pretty much useless.

It's easier and feels better to build self-trust, gaining confidence in the idea that no matter what happens, you'll figure out what to do to the best of your ability. And if you make a misstep, you'll recover and forgive yourself.

It's simple and powerful, and if you can practice, I'd bet money your life with feel very different, in a good way.