Needy Is Creepy

Those of us who spend way too much time thinking & talking about psychology are keen to put words to the unarticulated sensations/experiences we all share.

It's an important part of therapy, actually -- learning to articulate your inner world, because in the process of articulation, your inner world gets witnessed, and in getting witnessed, your inner world is valued. I value your world by listening and being curious about it, and you can feel that esteem, semi- or sub-consciously. Trust me, it's a good thing. (It doesn't matter that you're paying me for it. It still works. Nice, huh?)

So we play with language, metaphors and terminology, trying to find the words, trying to articulate. Poets without paper, perhaps.

One such sensation/experience that I want to discuss is being pulled. It's the experience of being around someone needy, someone who wants something from you -- something intangible, something emotional.

In some cases, they want you to like them, but a normal, appropriate level of liking them isn't adequate. They need you to really like them and to express it outwardly. And they're ready to like you, a lot, even though they hardly know you.

For example, think back to your school days, and that somewhat pathetic kid who wanted to be your friend. And the teacher wanted you to be his/her friend. But you didn't want to. He/she was too pathetic, and you could feel, even at that young age, that being this kid's friend was too much responsibility.

Then there's the new co-worker who glommed onto you, asking personal details about everyone in the workplace and practically begging you to go for drinks after work. Or, the lonely neighbor who engages you in conversation at the mailbox and doesn't allow you to break-off without a touch of abruptness.

In other cases, it's more subtle, like the friend who makes lousy choices and then says they're plagued with bad luck, and they really want you to agree that nothing is their fault.

Whatever the case, you can feel it. It's like an invisible tentacle has attached itself to your midsection and is attempting to suck out of you a warm-fuzzy connection that you don't want to offer this person. You feel pulled.

And it's creepy -- a subtle creepiness that your rational mind can't compute in this context. Where is this feeling coming from? It's dissonant. It's hard to put your finger on it. You're uneasy, but you aren't sure why, and most of us will assume it's us, not them.

Don't worry, it's them.

When a grown person isn't skilled or knowledgeable enough to get their emotional needs met in appropriate ways, they start pulling on people around them. They don't know they're doing it. And we know that they don't know, which also prompts doubt. Makes us think, yeah, it must be us.

It's not. It's them.

We pull back. We withdraw our presence & support as much as possible. We draw boundaries, if we know how. We give off the subtle and not-so-subtle body language cues that mean, "Back off" (unfortunately, needy people don't pick up on them so well). We feel tormented. We feel like bad people. We feel like we're in a minefield. It's so not fun.

If you don't relate to this, if you don't feel a primal anxiety rise around a gooey, glommy, needy person, you may have a high level of trust in yourself and excellent diplomacy/boundary skills, and you know you can respectfully and gracefully extract yourself from such interactions as needed. If this is the case, good for you. You're exemplary! And you're not normal.

If you don't relate to this, the other possibility is that you're needy yourself. That's a painful way to be. And, I'm going to serve you some cold coffee. Ready?

You are not entitled to whatever you want from the world to feel good about yourself. No one is obliged to attend your parties. No one is obliged to reach out to you. No one is obliged to love you just the way you are. If they do, that's lovely, but even so, YOU are obligated to define your own needs, identify healthy & available means for meeting them and then make it happen.

When you do, you become much more interesting and attractive to others. But that can't be the reason you do it! Being needy repels, being whole attracts. You can't fake it -- at least, not for long.

It's our duty and privilege as adults to take care of our own emotional needs. To seek out and form meaningful relationships. To identify activities that feel spiritually nourishing and then to participate in them. To take responsibility for our health and to get enough sleep and nutrition.

When we don't, our tentacles go out, whether we want them to or not, and others feel creeped out by it.

So if you notice people around you having that slightly troubled, sideways, I-gotta-go look in their eye, it may mean you've lost your ground. Get back on your feet, take care of yourself, and they'll like you again. And so will you.