Just a Joke! Not.

Humor is awesome. It breaks ice. It breaks spells. It builds bridges. It helps us take everything less seriously.

It's one way we get out from under the constant oppression of living in civilized society. It gives us a little sense of power, mocking ourselves, each other and our shared, unspoken rules and beliefs.

We always mock from a one-up position. Humor diminishes its target. And it's good to be diminished sometimes. Humility is healthy.

Humor is healthy. Except when it's not.

Humor can also be a trojan horse. It hides the truth of what people really believe in a package of levity. It's a socially acceptable way of expressing unacceptable emotions, like disdain, hostility and just plain meanness.

Sarcasm, for example. Sarcasm is very socially acceptable in our culture, but oftentimes, it's just plain old everyday cowardice.

I myself am a recovering sarcastic who falls off the wagon frequently. I work pretty hard at trying to keep it out of this column (sometimes not so successfully). My siblings and I can barely hold a conversation without sarcasm. It's just part of the family culture. And it was a big part of my identity for a long time.

But it sucks. It's disrespectful and nasty and indirect. It's a safe way to strike out, because you've got plausible deniability. Anyone who tries to call you out "can't take a joke", and just like that, they're the jerk, not you.

Some personalities use this approach almost incessantly. Often they're mothers-in-law, bosses... people whom you hesitate to confront. They end up spouting watered-down poison all over a room, but you're caught, unable to say anything, lest you be accused of having no sense of humor. It's like witnessing a heinous crime committed by someone with diplomatic immunity.

This is another form of indirect communication. And as with all forms of indirect communication, the antidote is direct communication.

After the moment has passed, pull the person aside and engage them in a "serious" conversation about the subject. Say that you've gotten the impression that they don't like something you're doing, or are concerned about blah-blah-blah, whatever they've been hinting at. Listen to their concerns. You can disagree, and you can think they're crazy, but keep it to yourself. Give them a moment to share while thinking you're listening. This is ultimately what they want. Then thank them for being honest. Or something.

There's also the chance they'll just say they were kidding and deny any issue. If they do, it may sting a little to have confronted them, but it makes it less likely they'll joke about it passive-aggressively in the future.

And, all that said, this kind of personality really isn't one you can trust to be respectful, so don't let your guard down. If you can limit your exposure to them, that's a healthy approach. And calling them on it privately, not letting them get away with the "just kidding" thing, will make you a less attractive target.

A key here, though, is for you to stay in your integrity, meaning you don't put on an act. Pretending to find something funny when you don't undermines your own integrity and self-trust. So, it's wise to be guarded, but don't be fake. That will cost you.