Intimacy and Its Many Imposters

Intimacy. Few words in our pop psychology vocab are as pervasive or misused.

Depending on the context, it can be something we want; something we have issues with; a euphemism for sex; a vague, meaningless term referring to the "ideal" "romantic" relationship, i.e. a fairy tale; or a mysterious quantity that everyone else seems to understand but you must've missed that day in 10th grade. Or all of the above.

Unfortunately, the oversimplification and lack of clarity around the word has spawned a healthy list of relationship dynamics that people think are intimacy, but aren't. For example...

Compatibility. Having stuff in common feels amazing. You like to do the same things, you like the same food & TV shows, you can finish each other's sentences. Your mate understands you, and feeling understood feels like love. Love is great. Compatibility is great. But it isn't intimacy.

Nurturing. Expressing loving by taking care of your partner feels good. Feeding them, buying them things, being affectionate... It feels right. It feels like love. And it is love. But it isn't intimacy.

Emotional Accommodation. When your partner gets upset or angry, you change your position/behavior in order to restore your partner's emotional order. When I put it like that, it's pretty obvious that this isn't a healthy way to go. However, it's insidious. Emotions are tyrants in many relationships, and when you're in it, it can feel like an art or a dance, finding a path around the problem. It can feel like you're in it together, dancing in time and in step. And you are. But it isn't intimacy.

Sacrifice. Giving up your own ambitions/dreams/desires in order to support your partner's or to sustain the relationship is a strategy many of us (especially women) were programmed with growing up. It feels like what we're supposed to do to demonstrate love and commitment, but it's a losing deal for both parties. It's also known as codependency or martyrdom. It's not intimacy.

Radical Acceptance. Having a partner who trusts you enough to show you their dark side feels like intimacy, and actually, it's in the ballpark. But it blows out of bounds when your partner adopts a "take me as I am" stance, refusing any responsibility, and you have to accept their rage, abuse, addiction, incapacity, victimhood, craziness, etc... if you want to have a relationship. Accepting another's humanness is healthy. Accepting their pathology isn't. And it sure isn't intimacy.

So what is real intimacy?

Real intimacy is sustainable mutual vulnerability. It is not for the faint of heart. Vulnerability is an extremely uncomfortable state for most of us, and tolerating it (or even embracing it) requires a lot from us as individuals: healthy and realistic self-image, self-containment and soothing skills, assertiveness, generosity, resilience, self-responsibility, authenticity, and most of all, emotional courage. Constant emotional courage.

As a couple, intimacy requires true equality -- a partnership in which neither partner occupies a one-up or one-down position on more than an occasional, situational basis. It's a proactive, conscious relationship in which both partners are awake and alive, all the time. It's amazing.

Notice I haven't used the word love at all in this description. That's because love is in a different class from intimacy.

Love is a basic need. Intimacy is a highly evolved, advanced relationship state between mature adults.

Love is something you have a right to, from birth. (And you have it, from the creative force responsible for your existence.) Intimacy isn't.

You are not entitled to intimacy. It's a mountain you are welcome to climb, and it's a beautiful journey with an incredible view, but no one can carry you to the top. You need to gear up, find a climbing buddy and take each step yourself.