Curry Disapproval: It's Good for You

Long ago, behavioral psychology articulated and perfected the reward system. Reinforce desired behavior with rewards, and punish undesired behavior, and voila! You’re using behavioral conditioning to train people.

It works very well, and so, as we all know, reward systems are now pervasive, woven into the fabric of our culture and especially into our parenting and schooling norms. They work because we are learning beings, and we are naturally wired to avoid unpleasant stimuli. We are also wired to seek pleasurable stimuli, though this drive is less primitive, and less powerful.

As such, in a reward system, fearing and avoiding punishment is learned quickly and soon becomes a non-issue for most. Got charged $34 for bouncing a check? You probably won’t do it again anytime soon, if you can avoid it.

The middle ground of not being either rewarded or punished should account for the bulk of time represented in the model. It’s the normal zone. People going about their business, living their lives, expressing themselves, connecting with others, playing along – and not bumping into either reward or punishment.

Being rewarded for behavior that is especially desired is on the other end of the spectrum, a narrower slice of life.

Unfortunately, there’s been a twist in the plot. Being overexposed to reward systems as kids amplified and distorted the proportions. The normal zone shrank, and rather than fearing punishment and striving for the occasional reward, we came to fear the absence of reward. Just being normal wasn’t OK. Just being normal disappeared off the map.

Also, notice how in the first paragraph, I didn’t say, “reinforce good behavior” or “punish bad behavior.” I said “desired behavior” – i.e. behavior that the trainer prefers. Our parents and teachers preferred that we sit still and be quiet a lot of the time, but it wasn’t presented as a preference. We were told that it’s what “good” children do.

Rewards became associated with approval and being good, punishment with disapproval and being bad, and the absence of reward also with disapproval and being bad, though more vaguely.
We learned to fear disapproval and to… not want, but need approval. We needed to know that we were good. It’s a basic need of emotional development – the have our goodness mirrored back to us. It getting tied up with approval, though – that’s a negative side effect of the reward system.

In some ways, this whole mess still turns out fine. Needing approval motivates people. It encourages innovation, invention, resourcefulness, creativity. It helps people accomplish more, which helps them feel better about themselves and have a happier life.

But in other ways… it’s bad, very bad. Because now, some of us are grown-ups stuck with a fear of disapproval that has little to do with how “good” or “bad” we are (absurd concepts, both) and nothing to do with actual natural consequences. We've been programmed (literally) to weigh our options and make decisions according to how others will assess our performance. Some of us get over it pretty fast, but many skipped that particular step in college or young adulthood and are still living that way.

I see this on a consistent – nearly daily – basis. Just the idea that someone may disapprove of some possible course of action is enough to make many people cross it off the list. The typical response to such a suggestion is a timid, “I can’t do that,” with a scandalous look; the reasons are considered obvious.

“Go out with a younger man/woman? I can’t do that.”

“Go back to school at my age? I can’t do that.”

Get a tattoo, buy a sports car, move away from the family…

Call someone on their hypocrisy, make someone keep an agreement they made with you... say no (!!!)…

“I can’t do that.”

News flash: If no one ever disapproves of your choices, you aren’t living your life.

It’s your birthright to be disagreed with, to be disapproved of, and to be the target of anger, once in a while.

Natural consequences are life’s teachers – they show us when we’re on- or off-course, and the absence of natural consequences generally means you’re doing fine.

Artificial consequences, like those in reward systems, are just that – artificial, and other people’s approval is an artificial reward. And hearing "I told you so" is an artificial punishment.

[If you're financially or otherwise dependent on someone, and their support depends on their continued approval of your actions, well, you're in a bad spot. That's another topic for another column, but suffice it to say, you've put yourself in a position of powerlessness, and if you can change that, it's worth it, no matter how inconvenient.]

What your choices do for your life, how you then feel about the life you’ve created, and how strong you become in making your own choices, implementing them, and living out the results – these are natural rewards, and all are much more valuable than others’ opinions.

Usually, even the “I told you so” people will end up envying you for having the courage and authority to direct your own life. Because they don’t have it. If they did, they wouldn’t say “I told you so” very often at all.

So, go on. Make the unpopular choice that you deeply suspect is right for you. Curry disfavor. Pay attention to the real consequences, and reap the real rewards.