Finding Meaning in Life

One of my primary purposes as a therapist is to help people find meaning in their lives, one by one. Everyone is different and we’re all inspired and motivated by different things.

I recently met someone out in the world who said, “If you aren’t parenting – if you aren’t showing the world to the next generation, sharing the world with the next generation – well, then… what are you doing here?”

He wasn’t imposing this standard on me or anyone else; it was more personal, a conclusion he’s come to based on where he believes his life’s meaning will lie – in having children and nurturing them as they grow. (It also demonstrated clearly that he has not found fulfillment elsewhere in life, something he freely admitted.)

For some who’ve chosen to become parents, an easy, instant answer to the question of what gives their life meaning is napping in the next room, or off at school, or playing in the yard with the less refined neighbor kids. But not all parents share that clarity.

That’s OK, by the way. We’re not supposed to admit it or talk about it, but parenting is not the ultimate fulfillment for all parents. There’s nothing wrong with you or your relationship with your kids if you feel this way.

So, for those of us who don’t have easy answers, finding meaning beyond parenting is a worthy pursuit. I’ll call it a life’s calling – not to be confused with work or what we do to survive. It’s a fulfilling pursuit, whether vocation-related or not. It can be work, but it can also be play. It can be both. Doing it makes living feel extra worthwhile.

Unfortunately, the finding part isn’t always easy, and there are some particular psychological smokescreens in the way – competing influences. They work on each of us, subconsciously pulling us in different directions, making it confusing and difficult to hone in on a life’s calling.

For example, socially speaking, we’re being pulled in one direction by our common value system. Our culture values material success, stability and a degree of conformity, so we feel the pressure to participate in this. Grandness is held in high esteem; if you’re going to be a writer, writing a bestseller is assumed to be the point. Our culture believes in identity: decide who you are and be it, 100%, whatever it is (which, by the way, is absurdly limiting, because our identities evolve constantly). Even rebels need to conform to the acceptable ways of rebelling, joining a stable rebellious subculture in order to remain functional in society.

Then, we’re pulled in another direction based on whether we’re male or female. There are expectations of men that differ from expectations of women, and qualities and choices that will define what kind of man or woman you are. And those expectations differ depending on whether you’re at work, at home, at the supermarket or visiting the White House. (Don’t get me started on the subconscious gender-role voodoo that brides & grooms have to deal with.)

Now, on top of all this, factor in the values of your particular family, the values you were programmed with from infancy, which pull you in other directions. Even if you don’t agree with them, they’re still in there, pulling.

For instance, does your family embrace passive, submissive women or strong, outspoken women? Ambitious, forceful men or humble, quiet men? Does your family value higher education, or find it optional or unnecessary? Does your family believe in marriage? In public service? In competition? In working hard? Or hardly working?

These are only a few of the smokescreens blowing around you all the time, pulling you in all different directions and making it tough to tune into your deeper self and figure out what you, individually and uniquely, really find meaningful.

If you don’t relate to this, if you’ve found your life’s calling and you can feel every aspect of who you are lining up behind it, and you feel enthusiastic and energized on a regular basis, that’s fantastic. Totally awesome. You are to be admired and envied, and good for you. You’re not normal.

For the rest of us… two tasks along the path are identifying a life’s calling and then following it.

Identifying it is complicated, not just because of the smokescreens, but also because for many people, it’s a moving target. We may find a life’s calling and devote ourselves to it, enjoying years of peace and joy interspersed with life’s usual hassles, only to find ten years later that it’s shape-shifted and we need to start again.

This is not uncommon, so if it’s happened to you, it’s OK. You didn’t misidentify it, and you didn’t make a mistake by following it back then. It changed on you. That may feel unfair or cruel (particularly if it’s a vocation), and you may be pretty upset about it. Yeah, OK, take some time with that. When you’re done, take a breath and start again.

For others, identification is the easy part – task #2 is the sticking point: giving yourself permission to focus your energy in that direction. I mean, how can you go back to school, or pick up an instrument, or learn a whole new subculture worth of stuff at the ripe old age of [insert meaningless number here].

Here’s how. Just decide to, regardless of the other things in your life that will need to accommodate. Instead of waiting for all those other things to line up & make it easy, just move forward, and the other things will adapt. They’ll have to.

There can also be a fear in starting out because of the moving-target nature of the thing. What happens if you put in lots of time, energy and money and then it changes? Then you’d be stuck with a garage full of gear, or a career path, or a commitment to volunteer for the rest of the year that you wouldn’t want anymore.

Yeah, that might sting, but what else are you doing? You can easily live your whole life withholding, but it really isn’t worth it. Until you follow the path you know about, a new one won’t present, so you aren’t avoiding or shortcutting anything. You’re just waiting out the clock.

If you’re having trouble identifying a meaningful life’s calling, one parameter to consider is which feels more important to you: the future or the present.

If you feel inspired and motivated by the idea of creating something valuable that stays and serves well beyond your lifetime – an invention, a restored old house, an up-leveled standard or model for your industry – then suspend gratification and focus your energy on big, long-term goals. Don’t care what anyone else thinks, or what the smokescreens say. You’re in it for the long haul.

If, on the other hand, you feel less interested in perpetuity and more inspired & motivated by how life can be better in the now, for yourself and others, then it makes more sense to focus on the ephemeral, the temporary, the playful. Focus on what’s now and what’s next, and don’t worry about thinking too far ahead, no matter what the smokescreen says.

Even if your preference lands somewhere in between, one will feel stronger than the other, and getting a sense of this can help you cut through the smokescreens of all those social and familial influences and turn up the volume on what you find meaningful.