Why Be Normalized?

As originally introduced, this column is about how normal some issues and neuroses are, based on our shared experience of proper socialization. So, what’s the point of that, anyway?

For one, I hope it helps defeat this insidious, irrational belief that if you’re normal, everything’s OK. Because if everything’s OK all the time, congratulations: you’re not normal.

Also, when you realize whatever you’re going through is normal, you can refocus, change your dilemma from “How can I not be having this experience?” to “How will I manage myself and get through this experience with the best possible outcome?”

This shift is incredibly powerful, freeing you from the cold shackles of avoid/deny/escape and into the green-green valleys of breathe/face/manage. From powerless to empowered. From fractured to whole. From victim to captain of your ship.

Sounds so simple, but simple doesn’t mean easy. Far from it. There are loads of compelling reasons why we haven't done this before, even though we've been told to do it, to [deep serious voice] “take personal responsibility,” by many voices over the years, starting with coaches and school guidance counselors.

For one reason, we were trained not to. Families have these silent, incarcerating rules that we’re programmed with from infancy, rules that go something like: your primary purpose in existing is to need your mom, thereby giving her a purpose. Or, you’re not allowed to know more, do more or make more money than your dad/older sibling. Or, we don’t expect much of each other, and if you fulfill your potential you’ll ruin it for everyone. Tragically, I could go on and on and on.

Also, we don’t know how! Someone says [deep serious voice] “take personal responsibility” – OK, but what the hell does that mean? If you haven’t had living examples around you, demonstrating how this actually looks in the real world, these words are meaningless. They might as well shout, “hoist the main” when you don’t even know you’re on a sailboat. And in fact, being admonished to do so usually makes us feel guilt and shame, which deepens the powerlessness, which makes it less likely we can shift in the other direction.

Finally, I don’t know about you, but to me, “take personal responsibility” didn’t sound like any fun at all. Didn't sound empowering. Didn't sound like it was in MY best interest, but rather in the best interest of this authority figure du jour.

The alternative, as it turned out, was less fun – trying to avoid difficulty, expecting others to “just know” what I wanted or needed, and abdicating responsibility ("I can't help it") for my circumstances and emotional states. No fun at all. It’s like being tossed around in the surf without a rudder.

This column is meant to be a rudder.

When you learn that that rogue wave that just crashed over you is normal, and that others have sailed through it – and sail through it all the time, even – then you know that sailing is possible. And you gotta know it’s possible before you can manage it.

Managing is part of the human condition. We wish it were about controlling and escaping and making things burst into flames just with the power of our minds, and at moments it is (except the burst into flames part), but managing is constant.

“How will I manage myself and get through this experience with the best possible outcome?” This is it – this is what taking personal responsibility looks like. Ask yourself that question, and answer as best and as honestly as you can. It isn't nearly as heavy as those old voices made it sound.

The good news is, this little course correction makes a huge difference in where your life is going and how enjoyable the journey will be.

Hoist the main!