Inner Children? Really?

The problem with psychology is that it’s highly abstract. In our attempts to be clear and relatable, we use a lot of metaphors that, well, are nearly irresistible to ridicule.

Like inner children. I mean… inner children?! Really?

But, hey. There is validity in the concept. When we have disturbing, confusing or mind-blowing moments in our childhood, we get stuck. A part of us stays in that moment, at that age, with that particular capacity to understand the situation. Then, when we encounter similar situations in the present, that fragment, that orphaned inner child, can pipe up and make us think and behave irrationally.

Such fragmentation… it's happened to me, it's happened to you.

This really disturbs some people, to hear that they are fragmented. Suddenly, overly dramatized crazy people from old crime dramas and horror movies come to mind and you can easily start freaking yourself out. But it's not like that. Our inner orphans aren't dangerous, so cut it out. It's normal. We’re all fragmented to some degree, except maybe the Dalai Lama. And Ira Glass.

OK, yes, there are extreme cases, the ones that Hollywood exploits, “multiple personalities.” They're rare, but they happen. These dear souls became this way as a result of severe abuse or torture in their formative years. And thank god for fragmentation, because they wouldn’t have survived otherwise. But non-extreme cases are walking around all the time, just like you.

For example, what are your pet peeves? What kind of little, innocuous things do people do that cause a wave of inexplicable rage to woosh through your body?

What little phrase or facial expression from your parent or sibling reverts you to 8 years old in a snap? What odor makes every bone in your body want to escape it?

Most of us have at least a handful of these sorts of triggers, ranging from intense dislikes to actual phobias.

If you don’t relate to this, if you feel neutral about all familiar objects & situations and always feel the appropriate amount of emotion and respond in mature & balanced ways, that is amazing. Good for you. You’re not normal.

The rest of us have an orphan infestation.

The thing about orphans – by definition, they’re abandoned. When we get stuck, when that part fragments and forms an inner child, the rest of us keeps going and abandons him/her. This is another psychological metaphor that can sound ridiculous: self-abandonment. But there it is.

We abandon ourselves when we subconsciously decide we’re not worth it. We’re too much trouble. Our needs are burdensome and invalid. We’re less-than everyone else. We don’t understand and we don't deserve an explanation. Our humanness is unacceptable. Whatever.

We do this a lot as children. We take the side of some real or imagined other that condemns us, or is annoyed with us, or who we just think is annoyed with us. It's part of proper socialization. We turn against ourselves, just for a moment. Boom. Self-abandonment. Fragmentation. Inner child.

It’s another thing we therapists live for – the healing process of reintegrating our lost parts. (Not everyone calls them inner children – that part’s totally optional.)

In that process of healing, one of the qualities we cultivate is dignity. Dignity is the opposite of self-abandonment.

Some talk about dignity as something that can be taken away, but it’s not really. It’s an inner state. A decision. Dignity is the refusal to abandon oneself, the refusal to take the others' side, the refusal to see oneself as less-than or not worth it, regardless of outer circumstances.

The tensile strength of our dignity can certainly be tested, and it can fail, if we're unfortunate enough to be pushed that far. Or, if we're unfortunate enough not to have developed much capacity for dignity, or any.

In the process of refusing to abandon, dignity also doesn't judge the other, or attack them or make them wrong for whatever they’re doing. People do what they do, and we don't have power over that. Dignity lets them do what they do, knowing they have no real power over us.

It’s in our power, individually and collectively, to cultivate dignity, to build it as a muscle. When you make a mistake, when you’re being criticized or laughed at, stay on your own side. Be humble, but stand your ground. It’s fine to laugh at yourself, as long as you aren’t feeling less-than in the process.

You'll feel better, and your orphans will be much better behaved. It's a nice win-win without much ado. Not bad for an abstract concept, I'd say.