Inner Critics Are the Modern Predators

According to the experts, our brains haven’t evolved much since we lived in caves and ran from predators, so fight-or-flight is still a key feature of our earthly existence.

However, we’re no longer being chased by predators, so fight-or-flight kicks in for much more mundane threats: angry bosses, low checkbook balances, a police car behind you on the highway… these are not life-and-death issues, but they sure feel like it.

And when we feel it, fear takes charge. As properly socialized human beings, we have a programmed sense of right & wrong behavior, and we’ve now got it cross-wired that “right” equals “safe,” and “wrong” equals “danger.” So our inner critics pipe up anytime there’s a chance our behavior will be seen as “wrong.” (If you don’t have inner critics dogging you most days, good for you. You’ve either healed your psychological issues or you were raised without healthy shame and can probably barely function in society. Either way, you’re not normal.)

The dramatic irony of all this is that, because our mundane threats are truly mundane, we’re now more afraid of our own inner critics than external circumstances. It isn’t the angry boss that gets us, it’s how we handle it – how we treat ourselves after the boss gets angry.

Fight-or-flight kicks in and messes with our body chemistry, and the inner critic joins the party to pound our self-esteem. It feels lousy. It colors our day. It keeps us down, brother.

What does your inner critic say to keep you in line? “You shouldn’t have done that.” “Now everything’s going to fall apart.” “You’re an idiot.” “You’re really gonna get it now.” “What were you thinking?” “Everyone will know about you now, and they’ll want nothing to do with you.” “You should have known better.”

That’s my personal favorite. “You should have known better.” Says who? Known how? But we tend to believe this stuff, without question. So fear flows through us several times a week, or, in the case of anxious people, pretty much constantly.

Sound familiar? Congratulations, you were properly socialized. So the question becomes: how do we behave like considerate, civilized people without having to beat ourselves up all the time?

The answer is simple and juicy: Rebel. Question the inner critic. Say “says who” and “screw you” when your stomach starts wrenching with self-doubt. Reality check the situation: ask, “What’s the worst that could happen?” and no matter what the inner critic says (it usually goes something like this: “You’ll lose your job and your home and your people will stop loving you and you’ll be banished to a wasteland to die slowly, eating weeds and dead rats”), say “So what! No one can take away my birthday!”

In other words, stop beating yourself up. It's not helping! You don’t need to flog yourself to keep yourself in line. Keep yourself in line by doing your best, honestly. Do your best. That’s all that’s required. Do your best and don’t hurt anyone.

You'll probably need to recalibrate your sense of worthiness a bit higher. Giving yourself a break can feel weird, and you'll notice it makes you give others a break more, too. Go with it. Just breathe and expand, and let yourself adjust. When you've been holding your hand tight in a fist for a long time, it hurts to release it, but only for a little while.