A Chance to Be the Family Mechanic

Families are like secret societies. They each have their own language and code phrases and secret handshakes and such, all of which are second-nature to the members but strange, baffling and usually nonsensical to outsiders. And the codes and handshakes and such are often subconscious or semi-conscious. We don’t even know we’re doing them.

It doesn’t always matter. Mom says, “Don’t you want another helping of potatoes?” and you say, “Sure,” even though you’re stuffed to the gills and won’t touch them after she's gleefully plopped them on your plate. And the question of whether you like the potatoes and therefore mom as a person has been asked and answered and there’s no reason to pick it apart. Your new boy/girlfriend may be dismayed or confused by the potato waste, but confusion is their inheritance now that they’re joining your family, and they’ll deal.

In any family, there are ways to say things, and we know what they are. Things like “Good job” (i.e. “I guess you could have done worse”), “I admire your courage” (i.e. “Are you sure that’s the right move?”), and “I love you” (i.e. “How’s the car running?”). We’re fluent, and we interpret and respond in kind without even knowing we’re doing it.

There are things you don’t say, too. You don’t ask certain questions. “Why do we live here?” “Why doesn’t Dad have to go to church?” “Where’s the ranch with the big meadow and sunshine that Fido went to?” “Whatever happened to that guy, Jack, who Aunt Kathy used to live with?” You just don’t ask. It’s understood.

If this doesn’t apply to you, if your family speaks directly and says what they mean and never avoids awkward subjects, and everyone’s voice is heard and the rules are occasionally up for democratic review, congratulations! You’re not normal.

The rest of us talk in code. Again, it doesn’t always matter, but sometimes it does. One of those times is when your secret society has no Mechanism for Repair. Let me a‘splain.

Anger, disagreeing, fighting, upset… these are inevitable occurrences in most human relationships. They can be good for all involved. After an incident, however, there needs to be a way to reconnect, a way to acknowledge the disconnect, to express respect and say “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” that’s cleansing and genuine, even if it sounds like “Boy, that was a quite a thunderstorm (ahem) we had last night. Anyway, want some cereal?” This is a Mechanism for Repair: a way to reconnect relatively quickly with no lasting damage.

(Of course, talking about it openly and directly would be great, but that's just impossible in most family cultures. So fuggehdaboudit.)

When there’s no Mechanism for Repair, a less healthy coping strategy exists. See if this sounds familiar. In the aftermath of a conflict, there is a sense of danger in even acknowledging what happened, probably because it would just pick up right where it left off and continue to escalate. So, a prescribed amount of time passes during which there’s little to no substantive communication between the involved parties. (The amount of time is part of this particular secret society’s bylaws; it’s never spoken but everyone knows intuitively when the time has passed.) Then, a window opens and it becomes possible to pretend it never happened. And everyone does – pretend it never happened. Sweep it under the rug.

Over the years, that space under the rug gets pretty swampy. Also, where there’s disconnection without reconnection, the integrity of the relationships between family members is significantly weakened and the family as a whole is much less cohesive.

All this goes on without anyone noticing that something important is missing. How can you miss a Mechanism for Repair when you don’t even know what it is or why you need it?

But now you know! Go on – shake things up a bit. Next time there’s some tension in the family, call it out. Say, “I know things got tense when we were talking about XYZ last week. I’m sorry for my part in it.” You can even say, “Can we pretend it never happened?” Because unlike actually pretending it never happened, you just acknowledged it happened, and so the reconnection occurs. How cool is that!

You don’t even have to be involved. “I can tell you and so-and-so are having another one of your cold wars. Why don’t you tell him you’re sorry? What’s the big deal?”

This will either shift the family dynamic in a healthier direction or everyone’s head will explode. Either way, fun for you. Enjoy!