You’re Normal, and, There’s No Such Thing as Normal

There is no such thing as normal. Despite the mathematicians’ pretty-pretty diagrams and the statistical fact that our likes, dislikes and other traits tend to fall neatly into bell curves, we are each individual human beings with unpredictable and paradoxical characteristics.

That said, this column is all about being normal.

This is because the process of socialization – the primary task of parenting, a staggering and truly thankless task – is about making us as normal as possible. Socialization is a process of oppression. We are taught – conditioned, in fact – to deny our own instincts, desires, knowledge and impulses in order to function in the civilized world. In the process, we develop a core self with flexibility of identity, the ability to connect with others, and a healthy sense of guilt and shame, without which we’d all be sociopaths. It’s a necessary evil.

I know there are many parents out there who are trying to avoid or circumvent the process of socialization. You know who I’m talking about. They don’t correct their kids. They don’t give their kids structure, because they don’t want to “limit” them. They believe they are raising independent thinking, counterculture little sprouts of hope that life doesn’t have to be so oppressive. I can understand that desire.

The bummer is, these parents are actually raising overly sensitive, magical thinking people who will likely suffer crippling anxiety their whole adult life, because without boundaries, structure and limits (and respectable authority figures who consistently enforce them), kids don’t feel safe in the world. Then they grow into people who don’t feel safe in the world, and people who don’t feel safe in the world have painfully overactive nervous systems that make it tough to hold down jobs. They grow into people who say things like, “I just want to be normal,” which is code for, “I want a break from this incessant anxiety and the sense that everything is harder than it should be.” Poor little sprouts.

So, that’s the trade-off: proper socialization, or the inability to function relatively easily in civilized society. Since you’re reading this, chances are that you were, at least somewhat, properly socialized. Sorry about that. But there’s hope!

Even though proper socialization comes with baggage, Thoughts on Baggage Handling is here to help. This column will offer insight and support for your normalcy, and sardonic acknowledgement when you’re lucky enough not to fall under the bell curve on that particular piece of baggage. Win-win!

Our first carry-on is self-destructive behavior. Not epic, drug-addict kind of self-destructive behavior – I mean normal stuff: drinking, smoking, eating fast food, staying up too late, calling that guy, calling that girl, breaking up with that guy, breaking up with that girl… We all have our favorites. There is a self-destruct button up in the corner of each of our inner consoles, and sometimes, without knowing why, we’ve just gotta push it.

If you don’t have that problem, if you’re wholly lined up with only treating your body as a temple and never beating yourself up, congratulations. You’re not normal.

As for the rest of us, we were deeply imbued with a strong (though arbitrary) sense of order and balance in the universe. Good things should happen when you’re “good,” and bad things should happen when you’re “bad.”

Self-destructive behavior often amounts to a rather sweet, childlike attempt to restore order. Something has gone off – either we have “been bad” and escaped punishment, or we’ve gotten good things when we didn’t do anything in particular to “earn” them.

Unfortunately, the psychological wiring is pretty tight, and it’s also fused with our sense of order and safety, so honestly, attempting to rewire it may be more trouble than it’s worth. It may shake your foundations and make life pretty freaky for a while. If it’s worth it, there are lots of therapists out there standing by, ready to help. Otherwise, give yourself a break. Having a burger from a wrapper every now and then won’t kill you.